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Tuesday, 19 August 2014

The Battle of Palkhed 1728 AD- An overview

Following my previous attempts with map representations of troop movements during the Battle of Pratapgad and Pavankhind, I was getting a lot of positive feedback as well as demands for more such articles. On the top of the wishlist were Bajirao's Palkhed campaign, followed by Ragho Bharari and Conquest of Malwa. Today, being the occasion of birth anniversary of Bajirao Peshwa, Im attempting to write in brief about the Battle of Palkhed, after analyzing what I have read from the various sources at my disposal. If you find any mistakes, please forgive me for the same, and do let me know about them so I can correct them.

Background of the War

After the death of Aurangzeb, the Mughals were in decline, owing to the cost incurred in the Deccan wars, and a weak central government. The Marathas, then under the Prime Ministership of Balaji Vishwanath, had obtained the rights to collect chauth and sardeshmukhi over all the 6 provinces of Deccan. This was agreed to with the Sayyed Brothers who were controlling a weak Badshah- Farruksiyar. The deal had given Marathas to levy taxes on the following Deccan provinces:

1) Khandesh
2) Berar
3) Aurangabad
4) Bidar
5) Bijapur
6) Hyderabad.


However, after the fall of Sayyed Brothers, Nizam ul Mulk - who came to power in 1720, was not in favor of this deal and did not allow the Marathas to collect the tribute questioning the legitimacy of Shahu as the Maratha Chhatrapati by referring to two seats of power- Satara and Kolhapur. By 1726, the Nizam had established himself in the Deccan and was strong enough to now oppose Shahu and his ministers- a fire to which fuel was added by Chandrasen Jadhav. 

In words of Kincaid and Parasanis,
The Nizam's plan to humble Shahu was a subtle one.He first withdrew his headquarters from Aurangabad to Haidarabad and won the Pratinidhi's good-will by offering him a jaghir in Berar, as an equivalent for the chauth payable on his new capital. Bajirao indignantly protested but in vain. Shahu, who did not penetrate the schemes of his powerful neighbour, was induced by the Pratinidhi to approve the exchange, since, so he said, the Nizam would feel deeply the payment of tribute on his metropolis. Encouraged by this success, the Nizam next affected ignorance of the respective claims of Shahu and Rajaram's son Sambhaji. He declared himself unable to pay to the Maratha government its chauth and sardeshmukhi, until the matter had been settled. At the same time he removed Shahu's agents from his dominions and invited both Shahu and Sambhaji to send envoys to Haidarabad, where he would himself decide which of the two princes had the better right to the crown of the Marathas. The Pratinidhi blinded by his hatred for Bajirao, urged his sovereign to comply. But the Peshwa laughed his rival to scorn and so worked on Shahu's feelings that the king instantly declared war. The Nizam successfully invoked the aid of Sambhaji. The latter joined the Nizam's camp with a large Maratha force and the Nizam flattered himself that he would be able to destroy the power of the Marathas, forcing them into a civil war, which would never, if his efforts availed anything, be ended.
With this background in mind, we fast forward to 1727, when Bajirao under the generalship of Fatehsingh Bhosale was busy in the Karnataka campaigns of Trichanapalli and Shrirangapattanam. Eiwazkhan, an officer with the Nizam launched a campaign in Pune District, Turktazkhan attacked Nasik and Sangamner whereas Rambhaji Nimbalkar launched raids into Satara district itself. Shahu Maharaj by then had moved to Purandar fort, and Bajirao was called back from the Karnataka campaign to deal with the increasing nuisance of the Nizam.  

It would be worth, at this point, to comment on the strength of the Nizams army, which was its Artillery. His troops consisted of highly skilled Turkish and Persian horsemen along with the support of some local Maratha chiefs such as Chandrasen Jadhav and Rambhaji Nimbalkar. His plan though rested more or less on the usage of his impressive tophkhana or artillery. He thus wished to annihilate the fleet footed Marathas once and for all by drawing them onto the open fields, and blasting them with his guns. However, the Nizam overlooked the military genius of Bajirao.

Painting of Bajirao- at Parvati temple
On Dushera of 1727, Bajirao took arms against the Nizam and set out from Pune and rode with 10000 cavalry at lightening speed towards Punatambe where he crossed the Godavari river and absolutely looted the Nizams rich provinces on the opposite bank. Towns such as Sindakhed Raja, Jalna were stripped of their wealth. On seeing one of his most prosperous provinces at the mercy of Bajirao, the Nizam, Eiwazkhan and others set off after Bajirao on a long and unsuccessful chase. The Nizam and his troops were repeatedly unsuccessful in engaging Bajirao as he could not be caught up or found! Bajirao on the other hand was stripping the province of its accumulated wealth. On 6th November, a few skirmishers from Bajirao's main force were captured by Eiwazkhan, but this had little or no impact on the progress of Bajirao.

While the Nizam was busy searching for him in Khandesh, Rau suddenly made an appearance in Varhad region. On 4th December, Bajirao was in Poorna Parali region. On 6th December at Kasbe Naarsik, on 8th at Washim, 9th December Manglurpir, 10th December Hatgav, 11th December  Manjrakhed. By this blitzkrieg action, Bajirao had laid to waste the prosperous districts of Washim, Manglurpir, Mahur etc. Then, abruptly turning towards North west, he got down to the Tapi basin near Chopda and reached Kukarmunda on 18th of December. The events and span of mileage of these 14 days can be shown in the following Map:


On his way to Kukarmunda, Bajirao tricked the Nizam into thinking he was planning to plunder the prosperous town of Burhanpur. The Nizam concentrated all his forces for the protection of Burhanpur. Rau never turned up. Instead, he made a surprize appearance at Bhadoch. By 30th December, he was at Alimohan on banks of River Narmada. Gujrat province, then under the Mughals was then under the governorship of Sarbulandkhan, who was a political opponent of the Nizam. To Sarbulandkhan, Bajirao made it appear and believe that a combined army of Marathas and Nizam was wreaking havoc on the province. While the Marathas plundered as much as they could,  the person who had to take blame and ignominy was Nizam!

No one had predicted such blitzkrieg tactics from the Bajirao. The Nizam, his officers as well as Sarbulandkhan were taken completely by surprize. Over and above, the humiliation and defamation the Nizam had to face after Bajirao had plundered Gujarat rankled him. Recognizing that Bajirao was now out of his reach, he decided to counter Rau with a different strategy. He stopped chasing Rau, and instead marched straight on to Pune, which was Bajirao's headquarters. On the way, he captured places loyal to Shahu- Udapur, Narayangad, Khed, Pabal, Avasari and reached Pune. On reaching Pune, the Nizam started pillaging it to provoke Bajirao. When he saw no forthcoming response, he declared the Kolhapur Chhatrapati as the Maratha Chhatrapati(thereby giving credence to the Satara Chhatrapati as well) and gave him his full support. Not only this, but he also arranged a wedding for the Kolhapur Chhatrapati in Pune. The motive behind this move was to draw Bajirao towards Pune, and raze his army to the ground in the nearby plains of Pune by deploying artillery units against him. Rau was at Betwad when he learnt of Nizams presence in Pune. However, recognizing what the Nizam had in mind, Rau, instead of coming in the direction of Pune, turned his attention towards the city of Aurangabad. The Nizam, present near Baramati at this time, had no choice to turn back towards Aurangabad to save it from the sack.


It is worth noting here, that the very canons Nizam was planning to defeat Bajirao with, as well as the nature of his army was now becoming an increasing hindrance to his movement. Heavy artillery units, and heavily armored cavalry were becoming too slow to counter the rapid and light maratha cavalry. The Nizams army also included his Zanana, or womenfolk, which would ultimately slow it down. Over and above, this army also contained provisions which were meant to last for the entire duration of the war. This was really taking a toll on the speed with which the Nizam could operate. Thus leaving behind most of the heavy units and artillery behind at Ahmednagar, he marched towards Aurangabad. The Maratha army on the other hand traveled light and lived off the plunder. It gave them a great advantage in terms of speed, making risky and surprising maneuvers at great speed. Not only were they marching at great speed, but they were completely plundering the rich provinces of the Nizam and laying waste his country.

As Bajirao marched towards Aurangabad, he laid to waste  the towns of Gangapur and Vaijapur. The Nizam was on a move from Pune to Aurangabad and had abandoned his artillery at Ahmednagar, and now his every move was being reported to Rau by his spies. Rau had now set the trap at Palkhed and the Nizam walked right into it. Palkhed is a small town about 12 km from Vaijapur and about 28 km from Aurangabad and has a river to its east. Rau blockaded the access to the water, and arranged his troops in a Horse shoe formation cutting off all supply lines and access to potable water. He drew the Nizam towards himself and on 25th February trapped him into a tight spot. The artillery with which the Nizam wanted to destroy the Marathas was rusting away in Nagar, and was of no use to him now. The very marathas whom he had set out to destroy had now become his death and were staring him down from the fields of Palkhed. He was now caught up between dying of thirst and hunger and dying at the hands of Marathas- a terrifying prospect of digging his own grave in any case.Finally, accepting defeat, the Nizam opened negotiations with Bajirao via Eiwazkhan. 

This was the first major victory for Bajirao as a general. He would go on to fight over 40 Battles and not lose a single one. The Nizam had no choice but to surrender and accept whatever points were made by the marathas. In the end, a 17 point treaty was signed. The major point of interest were that the right of Marathas to obtain chauth and sardeshmukhi over all six provinces of Deccan was reinstated. The Nizam withdrew his support for the Kolhapur Chhatrapati, and Recognizing Shahu as the Chhatrapati of Marathas. The treaty also gave Akkalkot, Pune, Indapur, Khed, Narayangad, Baramati Talegaon and other regions back to Marathas. The Nizam was also forced to reprimand some of his Maratha Sardars of their actions, give Jagirs to a few others, and set free all prisoners taken by Turktazkhan. The Treaty was signed on 6th March at Mungi-Shegaon on the Banks of River Godavari.

This battle is not only a significant battle from an Indian history perspective, but also a  world history perspective. The Nizam was out generalled  by Bajirao. British General Field Marshall Bernard Montgomery in his book "Concise History of Warfare" wrote 
The Palkhed Campaign of 1727-28 in which Baji Rao [I] out-generalled Nizam-ul-Mulk , is a masterpiece of strategic mobility  
It should be worth investigating whether Bajirao had planned the entire campaign from the outset or the campaign took its shape dynamically as it progressed. A detailed study of the same is high on the priority list.

A look at the overall campaign:



It is a tragedy that our so called "liberal and secular" school history books and the education board do not include these victories nor these undefeated generals in their syllabus, making their honour trivial and ultimately leaving an already ignorant population in even greater darkness. This is a small attempt to light a lamp and exterminate that darkness.



References:

[1] मराठी रियासत खंड ३ (सरदेसाई)
[2] प्रतापी बाजीराव (म.श्री.दीक्षित)
[3] मराठ्यांच्या स्वारयांचे मुक्काम ( वि.गो. खोबरेकर)
[4] Bajirao 1- An Outstanding cavalry general (Col. R.D. Palsokar)
[5] History of Marathas- Vol 1 (James Grant Duff)
[6] History of Marathas- Vol 2 (Kincaid, Parasanis)
[7] Khare Jantri.
[8] Maps- Google Earth.
[9] Image- Chinmay A Datar.

Monday, 30 June 2014

The only way India can win the Football World Cup.

Chi Vi Joshi, in his book "Osadwadi che Dev" made the gods residing in the temple of Osadwadi play a lot of cricket for the benefit of the village, and the village priest Nanu Pujari. I am no Chi Vi, (Im Chi A) but that doesnt stop me from making the gods play football- not just for this "Chinoba Pujari" but for this otherwise "Pashan Wadi". If they team up, and play for the country, India wins the football worldcup hands down. They just have to turn up on the field.

I have tried to persuade the gods to help me a lot many times- sometimes they listen and sometime they dont. This time round though, the concept itself was so novel, that all of them readily agreed to participate in a training session. However arranging a training session for gods themselves is a hard thing to do. Luckily, Krishna, the true inventor of Wireless Broadcasting(He invented it for Sanjay to use during the Mahabharata war) quickly delivered a Avatar like virtual training ground so that selections and trials could be conducted in a dream.(The Gods are too damn busy all day answering prayer calls). 

33 Crore(330 million ) gods turned up for the tryouts. After watching their training sessions a list of 11 players and 1 coach has been selected. Their exploits at a worldcup would be discussed in some other posts. This post will give you readers an insight into the starting XI.
(Chi Vi made gods play cricket, I made them play football. Who knows, tomorrow someone will make them play hockey!)

Anyway, Here goes.

The formation that has been selected is a flexible 4-3-3 which can easily turn into a 4-5-1. The Goalkeeper is the remover of all obstacles, the defense is calm headed and probably the best, the full backs have a lot of energy going up and down the flanks, the midfield packs a punch, the wide men are quick and the striker instills fear in the mind of the meek.

Anyway- here is the squad.

Squad No.
Name
Position
Role
Description.
 1.
Bhalchandra Vinayak
 GK
 Sweeper Keeper
 Known as "Remover of Obstacle" Bhalchandra forms the last line of defense for this Indian team. He is the first player on the team sheet. Known to get upset when he concedes goals, and is quick enough, despite his size, to join attacks.
 12.
 Bhaskar Suryaji Bhanu
 D(R)/WB(R)
 Right Back
 Boundless Energy. Has capacity to go up and down the right flank day in, day out. Has the capacity to blind an opponent thanks to his radiance and brilliance. 
 5
 Sadashiv Mahadeo
 D(C)
 Center Back(Destroyer)
You dont mess with him. He can be soft with you when it comes to tackling, but when you annoy him, get ready to be annihilated. 
 4
 Vishnu Sharangpani
 D(C)
Ball Playing Center Back 
The "Protector", Sharangpani is known for his many roles, but is chiefly known as the calm headed defensive skills, and the ability to rescue the team from the deepest of the mires. His partnership with Sadashiv Mahadeo is famed, and together they form a considerable backline to fall back to in the worse of situations.
 15
Shashank Chandrarao
D(L)/WB(L)
Left Back
Perfectly complimentary to Bhanu, the left back shines at his best when darkness surrounds the team. He may have his off day- usually once in 27 days. His form waxes and wanes over a period, but when he is at his best, he outshines everyone on the teamsheet.
 8
Shrikrushna Vasudev 
 DM(C)
Deep Lying Playmaker 
The Quentessential playmaker, Shrikrushna Vasudev signifies everything that is beautiful about the game. With elegant grace, he controls everyone and everything on the playing field, much like what Pirlo does for Italy. He is the supreme leader when on the pitch, the go to man for taking penalties, or for that matter the go to man for any crunch situation. He is a great motivator, the orchestrater and the director of all moves done on the field.  
 6
 Parshuram Jamadagni
 M(C)
 Ball Winning Midfielder
The perfect foil for Vasudev, Parshuram is the fiery hard tackling, hard hitting midfielder- the quintessential Gattuso type hardman. He doesnt care about hacking into oppositions and his tackling is said to be so fierce that he may have ended the careers of as many as 21 different players. He is indeed a short fuse in an otherwise calm lineup, but the presence of Sadashiv, Vishnu and Shrikrushna greatly calms this fiery individual.
 10
 Sachin Vajrapani(c) 
 M(C)
 Box to Box Midfielder
The Quintessential "Box to Box" midfielder, Vajrapani is known for covering every blade of grass each time he plays. He is flamboyant in his ways, has an eye for the fine things, has supreme ego, doesnt let go of his place so easily. Is a party animal, and has a strong liking for attractive women termed as "Apsaras". He is the captain of the team. Leads from the front, May not be the best player on the team, but the team still cant do it without him. Can pass off slick moves, instigate other team members to take risks and most importantly argue with officials. Rightly selected as the captain, which greatly satisfies his ego.
 7
Saptajivha Agnihotri 
 AM(L)
 Attacking Midfielder/Winger
Agnihotri is a pacy winger, running up and down the left flank. Leaves a blaze of burnt turf whereever he goes. No move for the team is started till agnihotri gets involved. As a compulsary habit of the team, the first pass of every move has to pass through Agnihotri.
 0.
Marutipanta Hanumante
AM(R)
Attacking Midfielder/Winger
Hanumante is the con artist of the team. Has the ability to appear anywhere, has pace which outstrips even the mind. Rightly described as "मनोजवं मारुततुल्य वेगं जितेन्द्रियं बुद्धिमतां वरिष्ठं| ". He is unconquerable, undefeated. When he combines with Agnihotri,can cause severe devastation 
9.
M.Raj
ST
Striker/Poacher/ Complete forward
A person of south indian origin, M.Raj pronounced as YumRaj, is the focal point of indian attack. Known as the Death whisperer, his sheer presence is enough to turn opposition players pale. Known to score 99 percent of the time. Devastating.

The coach for this team is Brahmadev. He is the creator of all master tactics, but is now too old to play himself. He lets the others run the show.

Now that this unmatched Indian team has been selected, we are now waiting for World Cup slots to be drawn. The Worldcup will be held in Pashanpuri of Punyanagri, in the Mayajal weaved by Shrikrushna Vasudev in Chinoba Pujaris mind. Live transmission and minute by minute commentary will appear on this blog. Stay tuned for more updates. More coming soon.

Till then,
Vishwe Devaha Sabhasadayati. Om Shantih Shantih Shantihi.

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

1. 19 Recent Social Media Trends(Could think of that many) that will make you want to pull your hair in frustration #PissedOff #BullshitLists

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2. Bullshit Memes
#WTFdoyouwanttosay
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3. Random Personal Memes which make no sense
#BOROMIRisaLegend
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4. This
Im sorry I dont want diabetes.
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5. The dreaded comparison of legends- Maybe of epic greatness or stupidity.
#ThisComparisonbetweenindividualsofepicawesomenessorepicstupidity.
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6. Those Yo Yo Selfies with all the swag and the gold. Im Awesome \m/
#SelfiesArePathetic. #SWAG
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7. @CAD checked in @CafeGoodluck with @VBH, @NSS, @AAD. No one actually gives a shit where you are eating- other than your rectum.
#YourlifemaybeawesomebutIjustdontcare.
Because I dont care where you go with whom.
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8. Dude, I got a new awesome camera and I will show it off even though I dont know how to use it- PS- I spent my parents money.
#EveryoneisaPhotographer
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 9. Those © symbols on the most randomest, worthless photos.
#Pathetic. #Fact
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10. Plastic Emotions and nonsense internet jargon
#NotCool
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11. Unwanted Data
#BandwidthHogger
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12. @AAD,@RDV, @VSC, @AMD, @SSD, @VVK, @APA, @KSA, @XYZ, @ABC and 174 others were tagged in this post.
#Noonegaveafuck.
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13. Narcissist Depression- Sad But True

#Stoplikingyourownposts. #emotionsmakenosense.
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14. These Senti posts
 Mongo is a little Indian kid who has to walk 20 km to go to school every day. Every single time you like, share or comment on this blogpost, a National bank donates 1p for Mongo. With this generous donation that you make (simply by sitting at home), we buy a whip, and make the lazy bastard run.
#LikesCommentsAndSharecontributestoEducation
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15. Unwanted Public Respect. 
#UnwantedRespectExpressed #GloryhoggerAdmin
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16. Bogus Babajis- who give you babaji ka thullu 
Babaji is very powerful. All Bhakts share Babajis Blog on their walls and receive Babajis blessings.
All non bhakts post babajis blog link on wall of atleast 15 people in next 20 mins or else lead a forever alone life.
#Theseforwardssuck.

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17. These posts:
#ILoveMyMomButImnotsharingthisPic.
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18. Putting Random Quotes on photos of famous people and passing half baked cookies as wisdom.
##EinziegelsteinUwacha(Einzeigelstein Says)
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19. #OKnowImDoneIvebeenusingtoomanyhashtags. #Weirdblogpost #WTFisthis. #OhNo #Authorgonemad #WTFisthislist #Pissedoff #Irritated #Whomadethis #Killthemall. #Hashtags
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#TheTitleofthePostIsAlsoTheSortOfThingThatAnnoysYou-#Lists.(That is the first point in case you missed - Weird Lists)

Wednesday, 30 April 2014

कृपया आग्रह करू नये.

"अहो..एक घ्या हो...एकंच आहे.. छोटाच तर आहे..एक जास्त खाल्ल्याने काहीही होत नाही. आग्रहाचा एक...अगदी थोडं देतो/देते..."

हे वाक्य कोणत्याही लग्नाचे जेवण जेवणाऱ्या "आरोपी" च्या कानावर पडले, की "आता गेम ओव्हर झाला राव" हा विचार त्या "आरोपी"च्या मनात येतोच येतो. ते साहजिकच आहे. का ते सांगतो-

दुपारचं रणरणतं ऊन( पु.लंच्या भाषेत- रामराणा जन्माला ती तळतळीत दुपारची वेळ) कार्यक्रम ज्या छोट्या हॉलमध्ये, तिथे माणसांच्या गर्दीमुळे जीवाची जरी नसली, तरी हॉलची नक्की मुंबई झालेली, मागे चांगल्या दर्जाचा सनईवादक(बिस्मिल्लाह खां आणि त्या दर्जाचे) सोडून कोणत्याही सनईवादकाची अत्यंत बेसूर सनई सुरु- त्यात दुपारी १२ वाजता सनईवर बसंत राग, भिंतीवर लावलेले भले मोठे पंखे ख्र्रर ख्र्रर असा काहीतरी विचित्र आवाज काढत असतात.त्यातून एखादा अस्सल पुणेकर असल्यास तो पेंगतच असणार, आणि उत्सावमुर्तींच्या नातेवाईकांमधली चिल्लीपिल्ली आवाज करत हयदोस घालत असणार. अशातच ११.३०-१२ चा मुहूर्ताची घटका भरायला लागणार. गुरुजी माईक घेऊन मस्तपैकी "स्वस्ती श्री गणनायकं गजमुखं, मोरेश्वरम् सिद्धिदं..." म्हणायला घेणार, गुरुजींची ३ मिनिटं झाली आणि मुहूर्ताच्या आधी १०-१५ मिनिटं मुलाची आत्या, आजी आणि मावशी योग्य मीटर सोडून सगळ्या मीटरमध्ये "मंग(ला/ना)ष्टकं" म्हणणार (खेकसणार). आणि चुकून मीटर बरोबर असला ना, तर मंगल जाऊद्या, फक्त अमंगलाष्टकं म्हणणार. काही दिवसांपूर्वी असंच एका लग्नाला गेलो होतो, तिथे तर स्मशानी मंगलाष्टकच ऐकलं- "म्हाताsssरी... पडली तळ्यात बुडलीsssssई ईsssई, प्रत्यक्ष म्या पाहिलीsss.... दादाने वर काढुनी नदीतीरीsss नेवोनिया जाळिली!" हे-मंगलाष्टकात! मंगल कसलं हो डोंबलाचं! काहीही लिहितात! एका लग्नात तर मुलीच्या अतिउत्साही भावाने यो यो हनीसिंगच्या गाण्याच्या(भुंकण्याच्या) चालीवर मंगलाष्टक रचलं होतं म्हणे. ताराबलम चंद्रबलमची अपेक्षा ठेऊन गेलेल्यांनी ब्लू आईजची चाल ऐकून अक्षता न वर्षावता (मारता) चपला मारल्या नाहीत, हेच मोठं नशीब! कुठे काय करावं याचं भान ठेवावं नाहीका लोकांनी... गुरुजींचं काम त्यांना करू द्या ना. उगाच कशाला काहीतरी मधे लुडबुड! जाऊदे, काय म्हणणार ना आपण तरी. 

हे सगळं सांगायचं कारण म्हणजे लग्नाला हजेरी लावणारा तो "आरोपी" या व्याधी सहन करत अपेक्षेने वाट बघत असतो खरी जेवणाची. त्याला कोणती आजी, मावशी काकू, किती सुरात, किती मात्रांमध्ये गात आहे, हे काहीही पडलेलं नसतं. आधीच उकाड्यामुळे तो वैतागलेला असतो, आणि त्यात हे सगळं. झालं.. त्याचा अणुबॉंब होऊन स्फोट होत नाही, हेच खूप! वधू-वरांनी एकदा(चे) एकमेकांना हार घातले, की याचं सगळं लक्ष खाण्याकडेच असतं. "लेले-नेने शुभविवाह" टाईप लग्न असेल, आणि श्रुती मंगल कार्यालयात असेल, तर अजूनच जास्त! जेवणाच्या ताटात अळूची भाजी, मसाले भात (तोंडली वाला बरका), बिरड्यांची उसळ, बटाटा भाजी, पुरी, खमंग काकडीची कोशिंबीर, आणि हमखास श्रीखंड किंवा गुलाबजाम खायला मिळणार याचा त्याला आनंदच असतो. पोटावरचा पट्टा सैल करून हा हादडायला बसतो. एक एक पदार्थ घेऊन वाढपी बाहेर येतात. या लोकांना हसताना मी कधीच पाहिलं नाहीये. "पार्वतीपते हर हर महादेव"चा गजर झाला, आणि पहिला वरण भात खाऊन झाला, की "मसाले व्हात... मस्साले वहात" असं म्हणत एक वाढपी येतो. त्याला हो म्हणालात तर तो ढीगभर भात तुमच्या पानात टाकतो, आणि काहीच म्हणाला नाहीत, की अशा थाटात "मस्साले व्हात" म्हणतो, की वाटतं हा पुढे उद्धटपणे म्हणणार "हवाय का नको लवकर सांगा".  

असं सुखाचं जेवण सुरु असताना २ वाट्या गोड खाऊन झाल्यावर आधी मुलीचे आई-वडील, मग मुलाचे आई वडील, आणि मग लग्न झालेले जोडपे ओळीने येऊन असे काय तुमच्या ताटात गोडाचा भडीमार करतात की काही विचारू नका. म्हणजे एका पाठोपाठ स्टेन, मलिंगा, आणि मिचेल जॉन्सनला सामोरे जाताना प्रग्यान ओझाला जसं वाटेल, अगदी तसा फील येतो. बर, यांना जेवण संपत आलं कीच यायचं असतं-डेथ ओव्हर स्पेशालिस्ट ना हे सगळे. पोटाचा गेम पार ओव्हरच करून टाकतात. आधी आले तर थोड्या तिखट पदार्थांच्या मदतीने ते अति गोड गिळता येतं. पण नाही.आणि आले की केवढा आग्रह! एक गुलाबजाम द्या आग्रहापोटी म्हणलात, तर वाटीत हमखास ५-६ पडतात. ही चीटिंग आहे! (क्रिकेटमध्ये पण एका ओव्हरमध्ये एकंच बाउन्सर तक्ता येतो!- इथे पण तसलाच नियम केला पाहिजे) आश्चर्य म्हणजे आजकाल "लेले वेड्स नेने" लग्नामध्ये पण हे होतं. काय म्हणावं! निदान आडनावाला शोभेल असे वागा! एकतर ते ताटातलं संपवता संपवता नाकीनऊ येते. आणि वर यांचा आग्रह-
"एक घ्या हो- काही होत नाही!" अहो तुम्हाला होत नाही- आमची उद्या सकाळी वाट लागते त्याचं काय! एकदा तर मी श्रीखंडाचा ओव्हरडोस देणाऱ्या एका अतिउत्साही काकूंना तोंडावर म्हणालो होतो- "माझी शुगर वाढली तर इंश्युलीनची इंजेक्शन तुम्ही देणार असाल तर खाईन". असाच अजून एका बटाटे वाड्यांचा आग्रह करणाऱ्यांना मी म्हणालो होतो- "मला बटाटे वडा आवडतो- पण एकच आवडतो". असं काहीतरी गुगली टाकून त्यांची विकेट घ्यायला सॉलिड मजा येते.

पण खरंच वेड्यासारखा आग्रह करतात. आणि जेवणाधी ताटाभोवती तीन वेळा पाणी फिरवून बसलो असतो, त्यामुळे पानात सोडलेलं पण बरं वाटत नाही. आग्रह अक्षरशः खाणाऱ्याची वाताहत लावणारी गोष्ट आहे! "उदर भरण" डोक्यात ठेऊन पंगतीत बसलेल्याला, वाढणार्याच्या अतिउत्साहामुळे आणि स्वतःच्या "अन्न हे पूर्णब्रह्म" या धोरणामुळे, "उदरे gas भरण" या प्रकाराला सामोरे जावे लागते. बर हे सगळे त्रास सहन करायला  करायला दक्षिणा पण मिळत नाही हो! द्यायला पाहिजे.

खाण्या-पिण्यात बावळटासारखा आग्रह करणं ही प्रथा महाराष्ट्रामध्ये ज्या कुठल्या इसमाने आणली, त्याची अक्षरशः धिंड काढावीशी वाटते. "तुमच्या पुण्या-मुंबईत काय मेली कंजुषी...घ्या चहा घ्या.." असे उद्गार काढणारा एखादा नागपूरकरच याच्या मुळाशी असावा असे मला वाटते. जाउद्या... असते एकेकाची सवय. आपण आपलं, पंगतीत बसताना उत्सवमूर्ती ज्या पंगतीत असतात, त्याच पंगतीत जाऊन बसतो, २ आग्रह कमी होतात! पण निकाल तसाही दुसऱ्या दिवशीच लागतो. चालायचंच. पुढच्यावेळी माझ्या शर्टावर पुणेरी पाटी लावणार आहे-

"कृपया आग्रह करू नये. खाणाऱ्याला पचनाच्या व्याधी आहेत. मंडपात नंतर वास भरल्यास आम्ही जबाबदार नाही."

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Lukkhasabha Election Manifesto.

Hello Everyone. As you all know, this year, elections for the LukkhaSabha, the lowermost house of the Parliament will be held. Lukkhasabha is a newly created house in the parliament to cater to the needs of the online folks. People such as the Viral Fever(TVF!) and AIB(All India Bakhchodi) are viewed by the larger audience as the founding fathers of Lukkhasabha. 

As you all may be aware, this year I am contesting elections for a seat in the Lukkhasabha Assembly, and to do so have formed my own party- Sadaiva Online Party or SOP for short.The aim of circulating this write up is to make the reader aware of SOP and its views and stands on the laws passed by the upper houses, and what SOP aims to do regarding those laws if and when it is voted into power. A brief manifesto of the same is provided here with.

Id like to urge all sensible voters to vote for me and me only for the Lukkha Sabha, although, probably after the elections, the place of my party will be under threat from out of job congressmen- as predicted by NDTV Opinion polls.

However, sincere request to each and everyone to ignore these people who have so many riches and reaches and vote only for me.

Remember,
"Karunga mein online hahakaar... ab ki baar meri sarkar."

The only association I have with the lotus is that imaginary girlfriend was called that.
Otherwise I am riding on the Modi Wave to get elected.


I am contesting "Lukkhasabha Elections 2014" from the Online Matadarsangh on behalf of the Sadaiva Online Party or SOP. The party has many well known candidates from all over india who are involved in continuous arguments, posting and spamming on twitter and facebook. The propagandizing of my peers is not upto me, and I am not bothered to do it and so you will get to read very less about them. In fact I do not even know who they are. However, as of now, I am looking to have tie ups with a select few groups of people, and have strategic instructions from the party head regarding how to do so, which will be revealed in the Manifesto.

My pre election agenda is short and succinct. I do not want to look too overambitious like khujliwal, and so will restrict myself to only my matadar sangh.

The manifesto of my party-SOP(Sadaiva Online party) is as follows:

  1. My key agenda is to improve mobile net connectivity via intelligent deployment of femtocells and thereby accomodate more users in an already congested radio spectrum. This will lead to increased connectivity and higher data rates thereby leading to more number of people being "online". My ultimate agenda is to improve the penetration of the cellular market into rural and forested areas of India, thereby making India an always online entity. With it, will come more followers on Lukkha side, and we will be able to improve the structure and organization of lukkhas from the grass root level.
  2. The second agenda of my elections manifesto is to declare Pune as a cultural capital of India, and thereby ultimately lead to Vaticanization of Pune minus the religious frenzy, pro the cultural activity.
  3. It is also my agenda to wholeheartedly support Baban from esakal for his creation of Vegla Vidarbha along with inclusion of USofA to form Neo-Vidarbha an online state in the world of Muktapeeth.
  4. It is a high priority to recognize the work of literary greats such as Prachi Saptarshi, लुनाधर भ्रममे, both of Muktapeeth Pratikriya Fan Club fame. It would be my obligation to see to it that these luminaries are awarded with Dnyanpithla Puraskar, or Sahitya Chakki-Dalan Puraskar for their literary greatness in the flour mills of esakal.
  5. Our nominee for this years Dronacharya Puraskar would be the great teacher-पोतदार पावसकर म्याडम for teaching so many incredible students in Yeravda and Nana Wada. I will make sure that she is given her due.
  6. Our agenda on the Junk/Street Food Security front is quite straightforward. It has been observed that there is a huge disparity on the amount of Bakarwadi received in Shinganapur, which is greatly below the national Bakarwadi line. Such unjust distribution of basic resources will be looked into, and demands of locals- who have a strong student lobby which voices to have a continuous supply chain of Chitale Bakarwadi from the plant to Shinganapur, will be implemented. It is our aim to make sure that Bakarwadi, Amba Barfi and other essentials are evenly obtained by the most oppressed class(students).
  7. The party strives for the implementation of POTAsathikahihi  law whereby it intends to have a compulsory lunch break in all IT firms from 12.30 pm to 1.30 pm, during which an employee can overrule and bypass any command given by his boss, any level up and continue having his lunch without attending conference calls. The same will be applied for late night pizza breaks between 11pm-00am. The law enforces the boss to arrange for pizza for the employees working overtime.
  8. The party wholeheartedly supports and approves of the MNRaga scheme, where music enthusiasts can listen to classical Ragas from Morning to Night. The party will strive to make the MNRaga more transparent by publishing the bandish collection, not bowing down to the dynastic views of the powerful. Moreover, it aims to make a annual circuit of classical concerts all over india. MNRaga also plans to encompass contemporary Indian Rock, Folk, Jazz and Fusion, and will strive to create a strong anti Bollywood Aam Adani Party filter. 
  9. The party has strong interests in strengthening the RT-RTI(Railway ticket- Reservation In Time) Act. The party aims to include IRCTC site within the framework of this act and make sure that no person trying to book an online ticket in a long distance train suffers from the brazenly slow internet speeds and gets instant connectivity. Special time slots will be allocated for Engineering students and benched IT Consultants studying and working out of town for booking Tatkal tickets. We plan to implement the Students Care/Student Train (SC/ST) Quota and Outstation Benched Consultants(OBC) Quota a combined of 50 percent reservation in any given train journey at any time.
  10. The party believes in complete online secularism, and as such aims to bring all components of the society on level online playing fields. Special attention needs to be given to the student community who are the biggest contributors on net, yet  suffer extremely degrading treatment. The party accepts that although Quorans form an online minority, they are essential in fabric of the online society, and thus strives for their betterment and strives to increase their respect amongst other socially online peers. Although the majority of online folks are Facebookists, (unjustly termed as Fascbookists, by the commentists) it is our aim to aim to not exclude any online community in the spectrum of the society. However, at the same time, the party believes in an "Appeasement of None" policy, and will crack down on any cross-portal riots between the various online groups- irrespective of the social organization- facebook, quora, twitter, youtube etc.
  11. The party believes in Web Development Politics, and does not support nor indulge in the like garnering and vote up politics of facebookists and quorans. Web space development and cloud space is to be given for web development without any social network bias. The sole motto of the party is "Sab ke saath, sab ka manasik vikas"
  12. The party has a strong support for implementing a Jan-Local-call bill wherein any call within anywhere in India will be considered as a local call. The party is pro disbandment of archaic and colonial tariff charges such as "Roaming", "Incoming" etc. The party will strive for a strong Jan-Local-Call bill if it is elected to power.
  13. The party takes a strong anti-corruption stand, and aims to expose and boot out fraudsters and scamsters such as Nigerian Prince, Snake eating Alligator, Trojan Horse etc.
  14. The party aims for Protection of women in the online world, and will create a database to track and store known profile stalkers. Fake profile stalkers will be given the capital punishment of having their profiles eliminated.
  15. Right to Education Act is crucial for SOP. SOP aims to make students aware of the constructive online time management scheme launched by the party to inculcate studying habits using the internet. Other than that, SOP aims to take appoint DO Academy to teach students how to write online SOPs for higher education. Ultimately it is our aim that free online education reach the masses.
  16. The party strongly believes in empowerment of women and providing women prime space in the online world. The party aims to implement automatic like buttons and "You Look Hot" comments on profile pics of women to boost their image.   
  17. Since it is fashionable to run governments with remote controlled robots, the party aims to generate an Ant-Colony Optimization based Robots with Swarm Intelligence in the smooth functioning.
  18. Other than these crucial manifesto points, SOP is looking forward to forging alliances with other members and friendly parties, which may or may not be aligned with the SOP ideology. The primary aims for this are garnering support by addressing the whims, fancies and difficulties of friendly parties. A few highlighted supporters that are seeked are:
    1. Filing a FIR with CKBI Special Agency for an enquiry regarding who sends Ajay unwanted teddy bears, while making sure his Swayamwar proceeds without much fuss.
    2. Launching a new National Weightloss Committee with Swami Aaraamdev as its head and the legendary Long Distance Runner and actor from Bhag RaKi Bhag Ravi Kishore as its President.
    3. Formation of a SIT committee to explore the role of Nilu Phule in connection withAnant Shindes involvement with the Gajra Gang, and if ruled in favour, give a clean chit to both.
    4. Sponsor a swayamwar for an unnamed puny ally utilizing GSCs(Gadchiroli Sahakari Society) funds. The swayamwar consists of playing the guitar while dancing. *The results of this competition will be rigged so that there is only one winner.
    5. Our allies from Bengal Online Association are crucial for our coming to power and thus to garner their support we aim spread the word that Bong Babes are hot, even if its partially  or completely true or untrue respectively.
    6. Our policies regarding the online associations from the states of Tamil Nadu and Kerala vary every day. Our manifest includes incubating and maintaining cordial relations with these stars by supporting CSK in the upcoming IPL.
    7.  Pune Online Matadar sangh is crucial for our victory, since its our biggest concentrated "like bank" and will be subject to special interest from us. We are likely to field a lot of allies from the city by bringing up sensitive issues such as who are better- Punekars or Mumbaikars and ruthlessly expose Mumbaikars from a Punekars point of view.
    8. That said, Mumbai forms the 2nd biggest stronghold, and as such, we aim to seek their votes on the issue of presence of beaches of both- sand and human nature in the city and its amazing night life.
    9. Delhi is not particularly high on our priority list, since we have come to a conclusion that it is beyond our control.

As of now, these points are the key features of the election manifesto of SOP. Any additions or changes to this, will be reflected on the party blog- chinmay-datar.blogspot.com.

Remember, for this years Lukkhasabha Elections, vote only for SOP. Our symbol is very easy to remember- the Green Dot from facebook. It is our promise that once elected, we will maintain the green dot for as long as we get support.

Green dot pe marna nishan, ab ki baar sirf meri sarkar!

Remember Our symbol is not a cycle, not an elephant, not a chaata, not a jhaadu, not a lotus, not a train, not a bow and arrow. Its a simple every day green dot.
Stay online, vote for the green dot, bring SOP to power!


JaiHind,
Jai Online community.