कृपया आग्रह करू नये.

"अहो..एक घ्या हो...एकंच आहे.. छोटाच तर आहे..एक जास्त खाल्ल्याने काहीही होत नाही. आग्रहाचा एक...अगदी थोडं देतो/देते..."

हे वाक्य कोणत्याही लग्नाचे जेवण जेवणाऱ्या "आरोपी" च्या कानावर पडले, की "आता गेम ओव्हर झाला राव" हा विचार त्या "आरोपी"च्या मनात येतोच येतो. ते साहजिकच आहे. का ते सांगतो-

दुपारचं रणरणतं ऊन( पु.लंच्या भाषेत- रामराणा जन्माला ती तळतळीत दुपारची वेळ) कार्यक्रम ज्या छोट्या हॉलमध्ये, तिथे माणसांच्या गर्दीमुळे जीवाची जरी नसली, तरी हॉलची नक्की मुंबई झालेली, मागे चांगल्या दर्जाचा सनईवादक(बिस्मिल्लाह खां आणि त्या दर्जाचे) सोडून कोणत्याही सनईवादकाची अत्यंत बेसूर सनई सुरु- त्यात दुपारी १२ वाजता सनईवर बसंत राग, भिंतीवर लावलेले भले मोठे पंखे ख्र्रर ख्र्रर असा काहीतरी विचित्र आवाज काढत असतात.त्यातून एखादा अस्सल पुणेकर असल्यास तो पेंगतच असणार, आणि उत्सावमुर्तींच्या नातेवाईकांमधली चिल्लीपिल्ली आवाज करत हयदोस घालत असणार. अशातच ११.३०-१२ चा मुहूर्ताची घटका भरायला लागणार. गुरुजी माईक घेऊन मस्तपैकी "स्वस्ती श्री गणनायकं गजमुखं, मोरेश्वरम् सिद्धिदं..." म्हणायला घेणार, गुरुजींची ३ मिनिटं झाली आणि मुहूर्ताच्या आधी १०-१५ मिनिटं मुलाची आत्या, आजी आणि मावशी योग्य मीटर सोडून सगळ्या मीटरमध्ये "मंग(ला/ना)ष्टकं" म्हणणार (खेकसणार). आणि चुकून मीटर बरोबर असला ना, तर मंगल जाऊद्या, फक्त अमंगलाष्टकं म्हणणार. काही दिवसांपूर्वी असंच एका लग्नाला गेलो होतो, तिथे तर स्मशानी मंगलाष्टकच ऐकलं- "म्हाताsssरी... पडली तळ्यात बुडलीsssssई ईsssई, प्रत्यक्ष म्या पाहिलीsss.... दादाने वर काढुनी नदीतीरीsss नेवोनिया जाळिली!" हे-मंगलाष्टकात! मंगल कसलं हो डोंबलाचं! काहीही लिहितात! एका लग्नात तर मुलीच्या अतिउत्साही भावाने यो यो हनीसिंगच्या गाण्याच्या(भुंकण्याच्या) चालीवर मंगलाष्टक रचलं होतं म्हणे. ताराबलम चंद्रबलमची अपेक्षा ठेऊन गेलेल्यांनी ब्लू आईजची चाल ऐकून अक्षता न वर्षावता (मारता) चपला मारल्या नाहीत, हेच मोठं नशीब! कुठे काय करावं याचं भान ठेवावं नाहीका लोकांनी... गुरुजींचं काम त्यांना करू द्या ना. उगाच कशाला काहीतरी मधे लुडबुड! जाऊदे, काय म्हणणार ना आपण तरी. 

हे सगळं सांगायचं कारण म्हणजे लग्नाला हजेरी लावणारा तो "आरोपी" या व्याधी सहन करत अपेक्षेने वाट बघत असतो खरी जेवणाची. त्याला कोणती आजी, मावशी काकू, किती सुरात, किती मात्रांमध्ये गात आहे, हे काहीही पडलेलं नसतं. आधीच उकाड्यामुळे तो वैतागलेला असतो, आणि त्यात हे सगळं. झालं.. त्याचा अणुबॉंब होऊन स्फोट होत नाही, हेच खूप! वधू-वरांनी एकदा(चे) एकमेकांना हार घातले, की याचं सगळं लक्ष खाण्याकडेच असतं. "लेले-नेने शुभविवाह" टाईप लग्न असेल, आणि श्रुती मंगल कार्यालयात असेल, तर अजूनच जास्त! जेवणाच्या ताटात अळूची भाजी, मसाले भात (तोंडली वाला बरका), बिरड्यांची उसळ, बटाटा भाजी, पुरी, खमंग काकडीची कोशिंबीर, आणि हमखास श्रीखंड किंवा गुलाबजाम खायला मिळणार याचा त्याला आनंदच असतो. पोटावरचा पट्टा सैल करून हा हादडायला बसतो. एक एक पदार्थ घेऊन वाढपी बाहेर येतात. या लोकांना हसताना मी कधीच पाहिलं नाहीये. "पार्वतीपते हर हर महादेव"चा गजर झाला, आणि पहिला वरण भात खाऊन झाला, की "मसाले व्हात... मस्साले वहात" असं म्हणत एक वाढपी येतो. त्याला हो म्हणालात तर तो ढीगभर भात तुमच्या पानात टाकतो, आणि काहीच म्हणाला नाहीत, की अशा थाटात "मस्साले व्हात" म्हणतो, की वाटतं हा पुढे उद्धटपणे म्हणणार "हवाय का नको लवकर सांगा".  

असं सुखाचं जेवण सुरु असताना २ वाट्या गोड खाऊन झाल्यावर आधी मुलीचे आई-वडील, मग मुलाचे आई वडील, आणि मग लग्न झालेले जोडपे ओळीने येऊन असे काय तुमच्या ताटात गोडाचा भडीमार करतात की काही विचारू नका. म्हणजे एका पाठोपाठ स्टेन, मलिंगा, आणि मिचेल जॉन्सनला सामोरे जाताना प्रग्यान ओझाला जसं वाटेल, अगदी तसा फील येतो. बर, यांना जेवण संपत आलं कीच यायचं असतं-डेथ ओव्हर स्पेशालिस्ट ना हे सगळे. पोटाचा गेम पार ओव्हरच करून टाकतात. आधी आले तर थोड्या तिखट पदार्थांच्या मदतीने ते अति गोड गिळता येतं. पण नाही.आणि आले की केवढा आग्रह! एक गुलाबजाम द्या आग्रहापोटी म्हणलात, तर वाटीत हमखास ५-६ पडतात. ही चीटिंग आहे! (क्रिकेटमध्ये पण एका ओव्हरमध्ये एकंच बाउन्सर तक्ता येतो!- इथे पण तसलाच नियम केला पाहिजे) आश्चर्य म्हणजे आजकाल "लेले वेड्स नेने" लग्नामध्ये पण हे होतं. काय म्हणावं! निदान आडनावाला शोभेल असे वागा! एकतर ते ताटातलं संपवता संपवता नाकीनऊ येते. आणि वर यांचा आग्रह-

"एक घ्या हो- काही होत नाही!" अहो तुम्हाला होत नाही- आमची उद्या सकाळी वाट लागते त्याचं काय! एकदा तर मी श्रीखंडाचा ओव्हरडोस देणाऱ्या एका अतिउत्साही काकूंना तोंडावर म्हणालो होतो- "माझी शुगर वाढली तर इंश्युलीनची इंजेक्शन तुम्ही देणार असाल तर खाईन". असाच अजून एका बटाटे वाड्यांचा आग्रह करणाऱ्यांना मी म्हणालो होतो- "मला बटाटे वडा आवडतो- पण एकच आवडतो". असं काहीतरी गुगली टाकून त्यांची विकेट घ्यायला सॉलिड मजा येते.

पण खरंच वेड्यासारखा आग्रह करतात. आणि जेवणाधी ताटाभोवती तीन वेळा पाणी फिरवून बसलो असतो, त्यामुळे पानात सोडलेलं पण बरं वाटत नाही. आग्रह अक्षरशः खाणाऱ्याची वाताहत लावणारी गोष्ट आहे! "उदर भरण" डोक्यात ठेऊन पंगतीत बसलेल्याला, वाढणार्याच्या अतिउत्साहामुळे आणि स्वतःच्या "अन्न हे पूर्णब्रह्म" या धोरणामुळे, "उदरे gas भरण" या प्रकाराला सामोरे जावे लागते. बर हे सगळे त्रास सहन करायला  करायला दक्षिणा पण मिळत नाही हो! द्यायला पाहिजे.

खाण्या-पिण्यात बावळटासारखा आग्रह करणं ही प्रथा महाराष्ट्रामध्ये ज्या कुठल्या इसमाने आणली, त्याची अक्षरशः धिंड काढावीशी वाटते. "तुमच्या पुण्या-मुंबईत काय मेली कंजुषी...घ्या चहा घ्या.." असे उद्गार काढणारा एखादा नागपूरकरच याच्या मुळाशी असावा असे मला वाटते. जाउद्या... असते एकेकाची सवय. आपण आपलं, पंगतीत बसताना उत्सवमूर्ती ज्या पंगतीत असतात, त्याच पंगतीत जाऊन बसतो, २ आग्रह कमी होतात! पण निकाल तसाही दुसऱ्या दिवशीच लागतो. चालायचंच. पुढच्यावेळी माझ्या शर्टावर पुणेरी पाटी लावणार आहे-

"कृपया आग्रह करू नये. खाणाऱ्याला पचनाच्या व्याधी आहेत. मंडपात नंतर वास भरल्यास आम्ही जबाबदार नाही."

Lukkhasabha Election Manifesto.

Hello Everyone. As you all know, this year, elections for the LukkhaSabha, the lowermost house of the Parliament will be held. Lukkhasabha is a newly created house in the parliament to cater to the needs of the online folks. People such as the Viral Fever(TVF!) and AIB(All India Bakhchodi) are viewed by the larger audience as the founding fathers of Lukkhasabha. 

As you all may be aware, this year I am contesting elections for a seat in the Lukkhasabha Assembly, and to do so have formed my own party- Sadaiva Online Party or SOP for short.The aim of circulating this write up is to make the reader aware of SOP and its views and stands on the laws passed by the upper houses, and what SOP aims to do regarding those laws if and when it is voted into power. A brief manifesto of the same is provided here with.

Id like to urge all sensible voters to vote for me and me only for the Lukkha Sabha, although, probably after the elections, the place of my party will be under threat from out of job congressmen- as predicted by NDTV Opinion polls.

However, sincere request to each and everyone to ignore these people who have so many riches and reaches and vote only for me.

Remember,

"Karunga mein online hahakaar... ab ki baar meri sarkar."

The only association I have with the lotus is that imaginary girlfriend was called that.
Otherwise I am riding on the Modi Wave to get elected.

I am contesting "Lukkhasabha Elections 2014" from the Online Matadarsangh on behalf of the Sadaiva Online Party or SOP. The party has many well known candidates from all over india who are involved in continuous arguments, posting and spamming on twitter and facebook. The propagandizing of my peers is not upto me, and I am not bothered to do it and so you will get to read very less about them. In fact I do not even know who they are. However, as of now, I am looking to have tie ups with a select few groups of people, and have strategic instructions from the party head regarding how to do so, which will be revealed in the Manifesto.

My pre election agenda is short and succinct. I do not want to look too overambitious like khujliwal, and so will restrict myself to only my matadar sangh.

The manifesto of my party-SOP(Sadaiva Online party) is as follows:

1. My key agenda is to improve mobile net connectivity via intelligent deployment of femtocells and thereby accomodate more users in an already congested radio spectrum. This will lead to increased connectivity and higher data rates thereby leading to more number of people being "online". My ultimate agenda is to improve the penetration of the cellular market into rural and forested areas of India, thereby making India an always online entity. With it, will come more followers on Lukkha side, and we will be able to improve the structure and organization of lukkhas from the grass root level.
2. The second agenda of my elections manifesto is to declare Pune as a cultural capital of India, and thereby ultimately lead to Vaticanization of Pune minus the religious frenzy, pro the cultural activity.
3. It is also my agenda to wholeheartedly support Baban from esakal for his creation of Vegla Vidarbha along with inclusion of USofA to form Neo-Vidarbha an online state in the world of Muktapeeth.
4. It is a high priority to recognize the work of literary greats such as Prachi Saptarshi, लुनाधर भ्रममे, both of Muktapeeth Pratikriya Fan Club fame. It would be my obligation to see to it that these luminaries are awarded with Dnyanpithla Puraskar, or Sahitya Chakki-Dalan Puraskar for their literary greatness in the flour mills of esakal.
5. Our nominee for this years Dronacharya Puraskar would be the great teacher-पोतदार पावसकर म्याडम for teaching so many incredible students in Yeravda and Nana Wada. I will make sure that she is given her due.
6. Our agenda on the Junk/Street Food Security front is quite straightforward. It has been observed that there is a huge disparity on the amount of Bakarwadi received in Shinganapur, which is greatly below the national Bakarwadi line. Such unjust distribution of basic resources will be looked into, and demands of locals- who have a strong student lobby which voices to have a continuous supply chain of Chitale Bakarwadi from the plant to Shinganapur, will be implemented. It is our aim to make sure that Bakarwadi, Amba Barfi and other essentials are evenly obtained by the most oppressed class(students).
7. The party strives for the implementation of POTAsathikahihi  law whereby it intends to have a compulsory lunch break in all IT firms from 12.30 pm to 1.30 pm, during which an employee can overrule and bypass any command given by his boss, any level up and continue having his lunch without attending conference calls. The same will be applied for late night pizza breaks between 11pm-00am. The law enforces the boss to arrange for pizza for the employees working overtime.
8. The party wholeheartedly supports and approves of the MNRaga scheme, where music enthusiasts can listen to classical Ragas from Morning to Night. The party will strive to make the MNRaga more transparent by publishing the bandish collection, not bowing down to the dynastic views of the powerful. Moreover, it aims to make a annual circuit of classical concerts all over india. MNRaga also plans to encompass contemporary Indian Rock, Folk, Jazz and Fusion, and will strive to create a strong anti Bollywood Aam Adani Party filter. 
9. The party has strong interests in strengthening the RT-RTI(Railway ticket- Reservation In Time) Act. The party aims to include IRCTC site within the framework of this act and make sure that no person trying to book an online ticket in a long distance train suffers from the brazenly slow internet speeds and gets instant connectivity. Special time slots will be allocated for Engineering students and benched IT Consultants studying and working out of town for booking Tatkal tickets. We plan to implement the Students Care/Student Train (SC/ST) Quota and Outstation Benched Consultants(OBC) Quota a combined of 50 percent reservation in any given train journey at any time.
10. The party believes in complete online secularism, and as such aims to bring all components of the society on level online playing fields. Special attention needs to be given to the student community who are the biggest contributors on net, yet  suffer extremely degrading treatment. The party accepts that although Quorans form an online minority, they are essential in fabric of the online society, and thus strives for their betterment and strives to increase their respect amongst other socially online peers. Although the majority of online folks are Facebookists, (unjustly termed as Fascbookists, by the commentists) it is our aim to aim to not exclude any online community in the spectrum of the society. However, at the same time, the party believes in an "Appeasement of None" policy, and will crack down on any cross-portal riots between the various online groups- irrespective of the social organization- facebook, quora, twitter, youtube etc.
11. The party believes in Web Development Politics, and does not support nor indulge in the like garnering and vote up politics of facebookists and quorans. Web space development and cloud space is to be given for web development without any social network bias. The sole motto of the party is "Sab ke saath, sab ka manasik vikas"
12. The party has a strong support for implementing a Jan-Local-call bill wherein any call within anywhere in India will be considered as a local call. The party is pro disbandment of archaic and colonial tariff charges such as "Roaming", "Incoming" etc. The party will strive for a strong Jan-Local-Call bill if it is elected to power.
13. The party takes a strong anti-corruption stand, and aims to expose and boot out fraudsters and scamsters such as Nigerian Prince, Snake eating Alligator, Trojan Horse etc.
14. The party aims for Protection of women in the online world, and will create a database to track and store known profile stalkers. Fake profile stalkers will be given the capital punishment of having their profiles eliminated.
15. Right to Education Act is crucial for SOP. SOP aims to make students aware of the constructive online time management scheme launched by the party to inculcate studying habits using the internet. Other than that, SOP aims to take appoint DO Academy to teach students how to write online SOPs for higher education. Ultimately it is our aim that free online education reach the masses.
16. The party strongly believes in empowerment of women and providing women prime space in the online world. The party aims to implement automatic like buttons and "You Look Hot" comments on profile pics of women to boost their image.   
17. Since it is fashionable to run governments with remote controlled robots, the party aims to generate an Ant-Colony Optimization based Robots with Swarm Intelligence in the smooth functioning.
18. Other than these crucial manifesto points, SOP is looking forward to forging alliances with other members and friendly parties, which may or may not be aligned with the SOP ideology. The primary aims for this are garnering support by addressing the whims, fancies and difficulties of friendly parties. A few highlighted supporters that are seeked are:
1. Filing a FIR with CKBI Special Agency for an enquiry regarding who sends Ajay unwanted teddy bears, while making sure his Swayamwar proceeds without much fuss.
2. Launching a new National Weightloss Committee with Swami Aaraamdev as its head and the legendary Long Distance Runner and actor from Bhag RaKi Bhag Ravi Kishore as its President.
3. Formation of a SIT committee to explore the role of Nilu Phule in connection withAnant Shindes involvement with the Gajra Gang, and if ruled in favour, give a clean chit to both.
4. Sponsor a swayamwar for an unnamed puny ally utilizing GSCs(Gadchiroli Sahakari Society) funds. The swayamwar consists of playing the guitar while dancing. *The results of this competition will be rigged so that there is only one winner.
5. Our allies from Bengal Online Association are crucial for our coming to power and thus to garner their support we aim spread the word that Bong Babes are hot, even if its partially  or completely true or untrue respectively.
6. Our policies regarding the online associations from the states of Tamil Nadu and Kerala vary every day. Our manifest includes incubating and maintaining cordial relations with these stars by supporting CSK in the upcoming IPL.
7.  Pune Online Matadar sangh is crucial for our victory, since its our biggest concentrated "like bank" and will be subject to special interest from us. We are likely to field a lot of allies from the city by bringing up sensitive issues such as who are better- Punekars or Mumbaikars and ruthlessly expose Mumbaikars from a Punekars point of view.
8. That said, Mumbai forms the 2nd biggest stronghold, and as such, we aim to seek their votes on the issue of presence of beaches of both- sand and human nature in the city and its amazing night life.
9. Delhi is not particularly high on our priority list, since we have come to a conclusion that it is beyond our control.

As of now, these points are the key features of the election manifesto of SOP. Any additions or changes to this, will be reflected on the party blog- chinmay-datar.blogspot.com.

Remember, for this years Lukkhasabha Elections, vote only for SOP. Our symbol is very easy to remember- the Green Dot from facebook. It is our promise that once elected, we will maintain the green dot for as long as we get support.

Green dot pe marna nishan, ab ki baar sirf meri sarkar!

Remember Our symbol is not a cycle, not an elephant, not a chaata, not a jhaadu, not a lotus, not a train, not a bow and arrow. Its a simple every day green dot.

Stay online, vote for the green dot, bring SOP to power!

JaiHind,

Jai Online community.