Thursday, August 25, 2011

Raoenous- The Greed God of Appetite

Raoenous (Born 14 Feb 1989) (Greek Ραοενους, हिंदी- रावणस, pronounced rav-en-ous) is a Greed god well known for his voracious appetite. Raoenous was born in the congested city of Mumbius Strip on the western coast of the country of Greed. The country of Greed came to be called so, as the rulers and their ministers had become exceedingly greedy, and devoured everything that was meant to be for its people. They had ravaged the country so badly that while they were busy relishing the fruits of their mismanagement, the country was crawling to its death severely lacking vitamin M. Raoenous was born specifically to show the world that one can be greedy without disrupting the vital organs of the country. He specializes in the form of greed that no other ruler dare to touch- appetite. Raoenous is well known for decimating anything edible with his bare hands and is known as the most efficient destroyer of the scourge of the middle class- an oversized food platter. Raoenous is known to have slayed many a hard to finish dishes and his battles with such dishes have now become a part of the folklore.

Personal History:
After spending much of his childhood in Mumbius strip, Raoenous shifted to the city of Puneous- known all over for its bizarre eating habits – to test his appetite and gastric strength, and spread the greed of appetite after he realized that he had no hopes of completely cleansing the plates of Mumbius strip. While initially it was hard for Raoenous to settle in Puneous for talking in an alien language that Puneons could not comprehend, thanks to the efforts and tutoring of the puny citizens of Puneous to make him understand their language, did Raoenous finally settle in. The Puneons also made him realize his goals and set him on the right path. [The only time ever that Raoenous felt vulnerable in his place in Corn-o-Coepia Electronica, the center for vadheev knowledge, he made an attempt to give it up for a place in the revered halls of Mechania, which also bespoke of infinite placement opportunities, only to be turned down by the Wise Goddess of Mechania, who later did find satisfaction in befriending Raoenous]

Raoenous gathered a large group of supporters who helped in several of his battles. Some of them worth taking a note are Chimeras, Dhubus, Madbena, Devious, and Virus just to name a few. In his youth, Raoenous had amorous feelings (a thing, colloquially) for the Greed Goddess of Marks- Marksvize, ever since the two had fought a bloody battle for a place in the higher echelons of the Corn-o-Coepia Electronica. However, the attractions faded away after a few years and resulted in a cordial friendship. Ever since Raoenous got rid of this trifling distraction, he concentrated hard and strong on fulfilling his destiny of destroying foodstuffs singlehandedly.

Raoenous achieved fame all over Puneous for eliminating the arrogance of hotel owners by conquering their skullduggery of making profits on unlimited buffets. Such was the fame of Raoenous that even in the city of Food, Puneous, where the greatest warriors of the Bhukkad tribe- that the conquerors of the Sadashiv Peth foodathon and Chimeras-the God of Vadheevness reside now salutes him for his greedy appetite. Such are the incredible feats of Raoenous that rising from his obscure origins; he was deified by the puny citizens of Puneous as "the Being" and the "Greed God of Appetite". Truly, if there was an X-men origins story, then this was it, for Raoenous earned the right to be called one.

After being deified in Puneous, he moved to the pearly gates of the heaven of greed itself- Texasia. Raoenous left after the fall of the Empire when everyone left Puneous except Madbena. Texasia- where big means huge and jumbo means humungous, [including trivial things such as onions.] was an obvious choice for Raoenous to go to. There were no bounds to Raoenous’ happiness. Finally Raoenous will be able to satisfy his ravenous and insatiable appetite.

Raoenous and his battles against Food.
Skirmishes with Mon-Genes: Mon-Genes was a mongrel. He cheated the corn-o-Coepia by providing less than satisfactory portions of cake as tribute. The Council of the Great Sparks of 09 had specifically assigned Mon-Genes to supply a portion of cake. However, most of the time, this did not materialize. Raoenous, now on the Chair for Revenue generation was outraged at the non-subservient nature on Mon-Genes. He was pissed. One day it happened to be the happy birthday of the Greed Goddess of Marks- Marksvize. Raoenous decided to extract revenge on Mon-Genes on the occasion. He requested Mon-Genes send two of his finest creations- Brave warriors of terrifying size- Choco Kak and Pina Kak. The two warriors arrived and had no idea that they were entering an ambush. No sooner than they arrived at the Gymnasia, they were brutally murdered. This did not satisfy Raoenous though. He wanted to show Mon-Genes just how much he hated him for not giving him the revenue. He cut off Choco Kak and Pina Kak limb by limb and stuffed them into his gargantuan mouth clicking pictures to be sent to Mon-Genes. Mon-Genes got scared, and ever since, Raoenous enjoys a special treatment. He even got his Mastani Kak delivered from there on his happy birthday.

While the battle may not be significant, it sure was the first, where the wrath and appetite of Raoenous was full displayed.

Battle of the Charcoal Pit:The battle of Charcoal pit was the foundation stone in establishing Raoenous toward deification. It occurred around the time of the great Spark of October 2009, where Raoenous was a part of the elite knights of the Cores. Bothered by the lack of support shown by the Pit-bull for the Great Spark, the major leaders of the Core Council decided to demolish the high and unconquerable halls of the Charcoal Pit- a unique fortified pit situated on a high hill. Rumors were flying high that its food would test the appetites of many proud Carnivori of the Core Council. When the Core Knights reached the base of the impregnable fortress, they realized that the elevator to the pit was not working. The dysfunctional elevator stopped purposely as scorched earth policy to slow the advancing army of the Cores only teased Raoenous’ appetite and awakened the fury inside him that made him vanquish any and all forms of food. The Knights had individually destroyed what they were meant to destroy while Raoenous was his second platoon of chicken. But when Lord Bhatius finally entered, Raoenous got his final chance at the third platoon. Long after the other Council members had had their fill and were at the end of their tether, having finished joking and even dozing, Raoenous had a major part of the third chicken platoon and even Lord Bhatius was surprised. That Raoenous had a huge appetite was generally known, what this Battle signified was his own patience and the others' awe at his prowess. Sadly, the Council split soon and never again was such a spectacle beheld by the entire Council.

Battle of Goodluck: 

The battle of Goodluck was one of the shining examples of how Raoenous could single handedly defeat food. Raoenous, an Argonaut at the time, preparing hard for the Battle of Regatta, after late night training went to the battle ground of Goodluck with his fellow Argonauts. Raoenous was famished after a rigorous training of heaving heavy wooden oars and lifting boats up and down the incline. Well, his fellow Argonauts were hungry for success too. They could not believe their luck when they encountered an abundance of food, and set about outright devastating everything in the way. A lot of Argonauts including Chimeras and Neelius had had enough of food after a while and gave up. So it was all down to Raoenous and Somaglutton to finish off the ever piling food. After a while, when there was no hope, even Somaglutton-the King of Greed of appetite gave up, leaving the almighty Raoenous to finish off the three platoons of Humongous chicken singlehandedly, which he promptly did. Raoenous became known as a warrior of the greed spirits and was considered as an equal to Somaglutton after this victory at Goodluck. Raoenous' fame spread far and wide over corn-o-Coepia and this became a foundation in his rise to greatness.

Combatting 'The Urge':It was a day of triumph. Squire Makdus and the Lady Abiera had managed their negotiations with the wise University of Puneous successfully, which guaranteed a huge sum to help make the Great Spark of October 2009 a grand success. There was merriment everywhere. But Raoenous would feel content only after a wholesome meal. So he took his troops to attack the Dining halls of Makk Donaldus, where he was possessed by The Urge. The Urge is now a fable travelling across lands, with its imitations being in demand from greats such as Chimeras and Madbena too. The Urge prompted Raoenous to try sweeping off the foamy tops off the magical drink of Kok Flot with his index finger, much as a knight in shining armor would sweep a damsel in distress away from thugs. Only, Raoenous’ first love has always been all that is edible. Ergo, it was only natural that he would be visited by such an urge sometime in his life. It was almost like Imprinting, from the dark and bloody legends of the Twilight Saga. The Urge became so famous, that the other lords tried it to much satisfaction, and Makk Donaldus is also contemplating a promotion campaign using The Urge and his 'I'm lovin' it' slogan beautifully put together.

Hacking the Carrots.Once, after working late into the night without having dinner, Raoenous and his fellow associates discovered to their horror that they were constantly being tormented by food. Food seemed to enter the minds of each and all, playing mind games which enraged everyone. Raoenous, having low patience in this respect lost his mind, and taking initiative from him, his team followed suit and began a quest to capture execute cook and eat food. However, it was nowhere to be found. They searched far and wide- including the unlikeliest places such as the Puneous Iron Beast Station. Finally, they brainstormed about possible locations and came to the conclusion that it was hiding at the royal residence of Goddess Marksvize. Raoenous and his band promptly set off for the heavenly abode. On reaching the place, they found food hiding in the kitchen- Rice, Lentils, Maggi, Bhel, Carrots and what not. However, Onions could not be found no matter how hard they searched. Raoenous, livid at the lack of Onions went on to decapitate the poor carrots, draw and quarter it, and chew on it piece by piece till Onions showed itself. A large stew of all the food was made, and obviously, the largest Portion was consumed by Raoenous.

This event provided the greatest platform for Raoenous to portray himself as a ruthless leader and the conqueror of the conquerors. Truly, this even led him past Somaglutton to be crowned as the Greed God of appetite.

Other Battles:Raoenous went on to single handedly demolish smaller armies of food all on his own. Small kingdoms such as the Nation of Barbeque were easy pickings for him. To protect themselves from this continuous onslaught, they heaved themselves on the back of the fierce Sayaji to good effect. However, the Subway that connected Raoenous’ residence to corn-o-Coepia suffered a continuous brunt of his fury. Convinced that it was the best meal for the value place, Raoenous kept raiding it virtually every day. In between many feats were held to celebrate and honor Raoenous' love of food, a feat rivalled only by the Lord Kumbhakarna's love of sleep in the mystic lands of Ceylon.Such battles only enhanced an already glittering image of Raoenous.

Doing the Dew:
After hacking down a mountain of food all alone, Raoenous stumbled upon this secret weapon. The weapon gives him the superpowers to digest all. It’s a rare liquid- some say its liquid gold, found in the distant mountains, and can only be collected in early mornings when it is in dew forms. We label the mystery liquid as Mountain Dew. Every warrior, every tyrant, every lord, every emperor - has a weapon. The weapon is their strength, the weapon is their inspiration. For Raoenous, it was his trusted flask of Dew. Dew is to Raoenous what Spinach is to Popeye. the elixir of strength and an appetizer for a massive foodfest. Raoenous, much like the wizened old Alastor Moodius, has his trusted bottle of Dew always in his satchel, and rarely shares it with anyone else for it may give them his superpowers. The other lords often wondered what drew Raoenous to the Dew, since they could not fathom its greatness by themselves. But the real secret lies in an inscription accompanied engraved on the Dew Bottle: “Omnes formidamus. Etiam faucibus siccat. Ipsum timor”
But to Raoenous it only meant “डर सबको लगता है , गला सब का सूखता है . डर के आगे जीत है“

All Hail Raoenous:
It was the festival of Dewaali, celebrated with much pomp and splendour in Puneous. Lady Madbena had arranged a feast for the Core Council and squires, also to celebrate the grand success of the Great Spark of October 2009. Many delicacies were prepared, and the exotic flavours only added to the festive atmosphere. While everyone was waiting for Raoenous to declare the feast open, Raoenous seemed to have had a little bout of nerves. The Council thought it was because he must have felt that his powers and talent may have been imposed upon his contemporaries often, but in reality it was his half-empty flask of Dew which had put him in a sombre mood. The Council, feeling pity, decided that they would give up their portions to the Being, and did offer them indeed. But Raoenous was in a different mood, he posed for a portrait that would indeed prove him worthy of his name, but in the end showed real character when he shared the delicacies with everyone at the table.

Although this article is written to commemorate the many exploits of the Greed God, it would be foolish to the point of being criminal not to mention Raoenous' loyalty, his straightforwardness, his patriotism and his integrity. Always one to adhere to his scruples, no matter what the situation, Raoenous would go to any lengths to ensure that his point reached across. He was, and is, always loyal to his friends and keeps in touch through the advanced communication channels now available at everyone's disposal.

We would like to take this opportunity to thank Raoenous for his condescension for letting us write this memoir, and also his graciousness for letting us publish it. Finally, we take this opportunity to reiterate, that we do, with all our hearts, always love you, Raoenous. Or as he is lovingly called by his friends, Rao.

8 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Fantastic! Quite literally, in fact. :-)
    A chronicle of my best times in (Corn-o-)COEP(ia). It was a pleasure to read.

    If only you guys were here... we could add my exploits at Genghis Grill to it too. :-)
    If you wanna know what GG like, go to All Stir Fry on top of E-Square and remember everything is jumbo in Texas(ia)... :-P That's Genghis Grill... :-)

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  3. Very well written! Bhaari! :)

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  4. With Raoinus now gone to Texasia, the petty worlds he left behind remember him with every (earlier unavailable) bite of food! The lands now have food for their bellies, but with him gone we are famished for the food for thought that his need for greed provided us with... Raoinus you were, are and shall always be missed for your sweet aftertaste!

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